i have been thinking...no so much, and not so thoroughly, but i have been thinking. 

about...life.

more precisely, my life.

 

who told you im just goofy?   i take things seriously too.

 

wierd enough, i woke up at 5 am this morning. 

people who know me know that i usually toss and turn in my bed till its late enough to miss the first class.   but this morning i woke up myself.

            at 5 am. 

i partly blame the firework outside.  unbelievably loud explosion continued for about 30 minutes, and i was wide awake in my bed, staring outside of the window, thinking of ... my life.

 

since last X'mas, i have been acting not myself.  is this a part of growing?  do people wane after their blooming ?  do i have to always absorb new concepts that i meet and change my self?  i mean, people do that, but what if what we have become is nothing we appreciate ?  waht if old days were way way way colorful? what if wut uve become doesnt appeal as much to you compared to wut u used to be? do we still want the change? 

 

lately ive been having this rediculously calm attitude towards my boredom.  maybe its coming from the relief of my SAT score being reported to Sophia. finally.  

 

but maybe its because my life routine has become a cliche, just...nothing more to be impressed about.  i laugh and smile and get along with people, make jokes and all , but wuts the point? yeah, socialize, sure.  but im no longer pleasing myself.  im no longer satisfying myself.  im no longer making myself happy.  nothing s wrong, yet nothing seem to be right. 

 

thats the really scary part .  thats the thing i fear the most.  just a horizontal plain.  no valley, no horn, no nothing.  not even a cactus.  its white, and its plain.  there is a girl in pink pants and moss green top with short, smooth hair playing with a ball on the left side of that plain picture.  she bounces and bounces and bouces the ball, endlessly, continuously, without looking away.  sometimes the ball gets out of her hand,disappearing from the picture frame, and she hurries to get the ball , worrying she might lose it. and then this warm, lovely smile will come up on her face when she catches it.  she then will return to where she used to stand, and keep bouncing and bouncing...

 

sometimes i call out to her, she holds her ball with two tiny hands and turns her head back.  when she sees its me, her face would wrinkle so bad from grinning so hard. 

 

no matter how many times the ball bounces off, she goes on and catches it, and keeps bouncing.  

 

the ball is my heart.  everytime my heart runs away from reality, she runs off and gets it back. bringing me back to the plain, white picture. 

 

she handles the ball well, but when the sky is too blue or the road too grey, or its too bright to open her eyes to look up the sun, she lets go of the ball. 

 

or maybe the ball loses its control. wanting to bounce higher and higher to reach the sun,

---- like Icaros.  only in the end, his wax wings melts as he gets closer to the sun and he falls down from the sky and die. 

 

the girl in her pink pants has been with her ball for this many years, theyve known each other from top to tail, inside out. 

 

she calls the ball honey. 

 

the ball bounces back with love.

 

my dearest person in the world, ake, this piece is for u.

 

 

 

ちょっとマジこのサイトいってみ？！

 

 

 

あこがれるううううう　　今度の５月に大阪来るんだよね・・・チケット２９日から発売されるんだけどゼッタイなんとかしてとりたい！！！！！　クウウウウウウ～　

　あたしもダンス習いたかったぜ・・・

よっしゃ！子供にボールルームダンス習わせてburn the floor　にでさせる！　

それはそうと、あけさあ、いっしょにいかん？？？？

 

 

 

             

 

 

 

 

 

 

期末テストがようやく終わった。

ふへー、疲れた。

 

最近なんかあたし変。

頭ん中でいろんな声が聞こえる。いろんなもんが気持ち悪いくらいにぐるぐる頭の中回転してる。」

 

キリスト教、聖書、レオナルドダヴィンチ、飛行機のチケット、宇宙、マルボロ、チャーハン、奈菜、フレンズ、電話、彼氏、お父さんの腰、上智大、テーブルの灰、モデム。

 

 

今日でブログやめる。

 

 

it eases me to listen to ake s space music

she has some kinda magical power to calm me down and makes me be able to think again.

 

i  think im blessed.  i am truely blessed, i guess.

 

dont need no friends running around me , dont need no friends having lunch with me , to go to washroom with me or even going out shopping. 

dont need no movies to entertain me, no need for praises from teachers , no need for candies on halloween, no carols needed for christmas.

 

i have everything i need,

a lover whose heart is deeper than the ocean, whose love so strong and heated u can get burnt by trying to touch it, who holds me so tight like he s afraid of losing me , who tells me watching me sleep was the most beautiful thing he s ever seen...

a friend who speaks truth to me, and has no fear of telling me that im fucked up, who can be happy for me when she s sick, or doing bad, who will remember me or support me no matter wut happens...

a mom who is so emotional and sensitive that she cries everytime she talks about how i was studying so hard to fit in a new community when we moved to another country, who is so kind that gets moved by watching braveheart...

a dad who loves me so much he loses words when he wants to say something to me, who is so bad at expressing his lov and care that he can only show it by working so hard at the factory everyday trying to earn more money so i can spend it...

an aunt who has been taking care of me since i was 12 and who cares about me so much she would cook everyting i like when i get home every weekend, who covers me with a blanket everytime i fall asleep on the couch...

 

i have everything i need in my life... people i love, people i care about.  and i just cant wait to wake up tomorrow morning and live my another day with these people s blessing...

 

with my awkward words i sincerely thank Vance, Ake,Linda, Echo,River, Mom, Dad, and my Aunt .

I love you all, happy new year.

坐在家里长沙发上，电视开着，二姑在沙发上睡觉。

不知道事情为什么突然都变得很奇怪。很有一种骂人的冲动。

我需要尼古丁。

 

语文课后站在那里许久，就让泪水簌簌而下，毫无控制的，毫不留情地。

我试着不去想那次的原因或答案，我不想再让那些浑浊的肮脏的让我想到就恶心的东西占据我。占据我的思想和情感。

从那次和她吵架，我总觉得世界上什么都没有了，很可笑，她并不是我的全部，但是我又想，除了家人以外，其实没有一个人是有任何职责或义务去关心我，爱我的。

我们身边每一个在对我们微笑的人，是可爱的，可贵的。

 

但是我累了，我想我能用点尼古丁。

i feel my eye lids fighting against each other,

dizzy.

probably from lack of sleep...and still went to the school and used up all my stamina.

Ake constantly writes things i dont get.  about her love and confusion and void.

i feel so scared , or strange, that ever since now i only get to know wuts going on in her life reading from her space blog. 

 we havnt talked for a long time, a really long time

 

its nothing like i feel bonded to her spiritualy and i cant let go, or i need her attention, it just is so sad that we arent communicationg enough. 

 

and she writes things i dont get.

 

i start writing things that she doesnt get.

 

eyes starting to closen up...cant hold the eye lids up properly...i guess i ll just go to sleep into another dream.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disgrace

 Carol Ann Duffy

 

But one day we woke to our disgrace; our house

a coldness of rooms, each nursing

a thickening cyst of dust and gloom.

We had not been home in our hearts for months.

 

And hoe our words changed. Dead flies in a web

How they stiffened and blakened. Cherished italics

suddenly sour on our tonges, obscenities

spraying themselves on the wall of my head.

 

Woke to your clothes like a corpse on the floor,

the small deaths of lightbulbs pining all day

In my ears, their echoes audiable tears;

nothing we would not do to make it worse

 

and worse. Into the night with the wrong language,

waving and pointing, the shadows of hands

huge in the bedroom. Dreamed of a naked crawl

from a dead place over the other; both of us. Woke.

 

Woke to an absence of grace; the still-life

of a meal, untouched, wine-bottle, empty, ashtray,

full. In our sullen kitchen, the fridge

hardened its cool heart, selfish as art, hummed.

 

To a bowl of apples rotten to the core. Lame shoes

empty in the hall where our voices asked

for a message after the tone, the telephone

pressing its ear to the distant, invisible lips.

 

And our garden bowing its head, vulnerable flowers

unseen in the dusk as we shouted in silhouette.

Woke to the screaming alarm, the banging door,

the house-plants trembling in their brittle soil. Total

 

Disgrace. Up in the dark to stand at the window,

counting the years to arrive there, faithless,

unpenitent. Woke to the meaningless stars, you

and me both, lost. Inconsolable vowels from the next room.

 

いつもそばに居てくれたあけに感謝！

 

今日のshinがいるのもぜんぶakeガ支えてきてくれたおかげです！　辛いときも、楽しいときも、我がままでどうしようもなくてあけを怒らせたときもずっとずっとあたしを諦めないで、信じ続けてくれた。本当に個性的で、純粋な心の持ち主だ。そんなあけの親友でいることに誇りを持ってるし、いつも元気をもらってて感謝感激です。

 

くだらないことに付き合ってくれたり、真剣に悩み聞いてくれたり、時にはほんっとおおおにつまらんことでけんかもしたさ。笑。でもあけは世界中でただ一人、あたしが死んでも昔どおりにあたしのそばに居てくれる大切な大切な、あたしの親友。

 

今まで一緒に居てくれた時間、くれた勇気と愛情、優しさやお説教、それに、この先もくれるだろうその心の寛大さ、本当にありがとう！！

 

shinta

 

 

自分の心に聞いてみた。

 

さみしい？

 

そしたら心が泣きじゃくって、手をぎゅって握り締めてきたんだ。

一体私たちは何の為に寂しく思い、何のために泣けるのだろう。

 

愛せる人が居るからまだまだ頑張れるとか、愛してくれる人が居るから頑張ろうとか、そんなクリシェーは聞き飽きた。

 

さあ、あなたの心に聞いてみよう。何の為に私たちは感情を乱すのか。何の為に愛を求めるのか。何の為に己の意思を妥協し、他の者に媚入るのか。

 

彼は言う。

 

俺は将来結婚なしでは生きていけないな。幸せな家庭があるから男は頑張れるんだ。君はたぶんその辺逆だろうね、結婚なしのほうが自由気ままにやれるし、君には結婚は向いてないのか・・・

 

私は常に不安を感じる。

距離から来る寂しさじゃなく、意見の食い違いや、だんだん解ってくる彼の本性。それでも結婚しようと本気で考えてるのは、彼が完璧だからじゃない。誓いを交わしたから。

 

絶対に絶対に、愛はそこにある。目を見開いてそれを見つけ出さなければならないんだ。

 

 

about this trip to xiamen, it really meant a lot to me. i feel more assured of this relationship now and im able to study vance in details, i know we havnt known each other for enough time to entirely , i mean comprehensively understand each other, and i know i still have a lot to learn from him , but at least we moved to the next step. 

they say its so amazing and surprising that i can actually make it to xiamen for a foreign dude, lol, and they say im really in love, hell yeah i am.

thing about vance is that he s always so confident and full of energy, and like... he s so good, too good, and im scared. i know we ve talked about this me-being-scared-of-him thing in xiamen, and i should now understand how it is , but still i feel im not good enough, i feel so useless, so so useless, i cant even tell him wut to do when he s in pain, when he feels sick, only if ive learned medication... i could have told him wut to do and he would hav felt better.... i hate it when im so useless and how he s so perfect....its like he knows wut to do all the time... and i dont, and i hate that, i hate im no better than others, i hate it so much, but then i dont feel like working hard, i dont know wut im thinking, and my mom is getting me really pissed right now, i dont know wut to say to her or i dont think i ll ever be able to talk to her like before, she s hurt me in a very scary and wrong way that the scar will never recover, now i know how selfish she s been all the time and inconsiderate towards other s feelings.  god i wish i wasnt born in this family, but speaking of these crap wont really help, and even i wanted to work this family situation out, i cant really do it ... things r far more complicated than it looks like. 

now everytime i think of my dad, it makes me wanna fall apart, cause i cant do anything to help , my mom isnt wise enough to do the right thing to help him, and all the things coming along due to my family situation affectiong my future and education and my personality construction, its so annoying, i know there s always something about this that i can do something about , like wut vance has told me about there is always something about one person that u can love about, but i just wanna give up that chance, and leave it alone.... i cant feel like im home when im with my parents, i feel more like im with examiners, or something, or strangers...and ... and ..why cant anyone understand me? ....

hmmm...school s getting started. i went back to school today, holy crap there r like 50 new canadian staffs coming to our school this year, facing all of them in multimedia room 2 was kinda scary . lol. yay, i saw Mr. Addis today ^^ he smiled at me. ^^ i miss his chemistry class , but im not taking chem 12 so i dont really hav any more chance to attend his class.  i was really moved when he gave me those info about coffee in he last class of last year, cause that was the first thing i asked him in the beginning of the year and he still remembered!!!  wow...

i met danny today and he informed me about moving out of the school dorm, and i think i ll do it

awwww, i really really need vance with me right now....i feel soo tired and i need some caring...i hate this distance

well but we r gonna see each other in oct

i think i ll cry ...hehe